So...I just sat through the webcast a two-hour Fort Smith Board of Director meeting in which pickleball was the topic of discussion for all but about 45-minutes of the festivities. The rest of the time was spent rubber stamping hundred of thousands of dollars in expenditures and not addressing the growing problem with the local animal shelter.
Watching a Fort Smith BOD meeting is a lot like watching a three ring circus with a leaky tent and a drunken ringmaster. Just when you think you have seen it all, for better or worse, here comes the clowns...
The bottom line? There is none. All the special study sessions, memorandums of agreement, FOIA sidesteps and pandering to special interests in the world doesn't change a thing. Our city government is either clueless or intentionally inept.
And they have proven it time and time again.
Let's talk pickleball. I consider myself pretty savvy, having been a sports editor in the past and being pretty up on cultural trends, but until about ten weeks ago I couldn't have told you the difference in a dill pickle and a pickleball. I have educated myself by searching the 'internets" to the point that now I know pickleball.
Basically, it's ping-pong badminton with oversized paddles played on a 968 square-foot court.
The preferred tool for striking the wiffle-ball like "pickle" looks something like a small cutting board with a handle attached. You play to eleven points and you have to win by two. You serve by contacting the ball with your paddle below the waist with an underhand swing. When receiving the ball you have to allow it to bounce once before you return serve.
There is a seven-foot "no volley" zone on either side of the 36-inch net, so I'm assuming you can't be in that zone and do an overhead smash designed to put out an opponent's gherkin.
After all, that wouldn't be kosher.
So here's the "dill"...apparently, a group of "pickleers" approached the city about financing some courts and between the city and the Fort Chaffee Redevelopment Association, there were four basically abandoned tennis courts found on FCRA property.
So for the low price of just $64,000, we can all get pickled. (The city "found" $64,000 of "undesignated money" for the project...how in the hell does a city with a $64-quintillion dollars in sewer replacement bills lose $64,000 in the first place?)
But wait...there is a church that sit adjacent to Pickleball Central. The property also contains a wall and archway that the church has been utilizing for sunrise services and such. The churches pastor and his wife don't "relish" the idea of the pickleball parking lot ending at their wheelchair ramp and/or losing their access to the wall and archway.
So they came to the meeting to plead their case. And so did the representatives of the USAPA (United States of America Pickleball Association....I ain't even kidding either!)
"We want to keep the church plans for expansion intact and develop the area as a gathering place for veterans and families," said the church side.
"We want to hit a wiffle-ball over the net and act like it's a sport," said the other side.
And "poof"-- just like that--our august BOD votes 5-1(the new guy took the night off) in support of their bread and butter supporters, which apparently turns out to be the pickleball crowd. Because , you know, who wants a special interest group to turn into a bunch of sour pickles?
If you're keeping score at home, that's Pickleball 1, Jesus O in your official scorebook.
Most laughable were some of the comments by some of the BOD members.
The pastor mentioned that he had filed an FOIA request with the city and did not get his required answer in three days nor an explanation as to why his request would be delayed. (Been there done that...usually it's because the "keeper of the records" is either out of town NOT fixing the consent agreement or just doesn't care about your damn FOIA request.)
And one of the directors that is in the midst of the controversy surrounding the Fort Smith BOD and FOIA had the audacity to feign concern towards the pastor and said he would like to "know more about the outcome"....LOL. (Trust me, P2W2....you'll know all you want and need to know about the FOIA when the Arkansas Supreme Court decision comes down any day now...)
And then you got ol' lame duck Loompa....who publicly stated that the church should pursue their argument in one of our "fine circuit courts".
Imagine that. Legal advice from a guy without the ethics to recuse himself from voting on issues that affect him as a "downtown developer" or following the law about FOIA AFTER being told a dozens times by people smarter than him and me both that just because he doesn't like the law doesn't make it invalid.
Then there was the pandering. "Pastor...we feel for you, but hey, pickleball!"
Look...I have nothing against pickleball. I loathe pickles in general, but that's a whole other deal between me and Burger King. If people want to run around on a midget tennis court slapping wiffle-balls, who am I to judge? So I digress.
But let's be fair. I know people who are particular to lawn darts, cornhole Tiddly Winks, , Quidditch, and ninja star throwing....so I guess the $64,000 question is if we're going to "find" money to accomodate all those "sports" as well?
Not to mention the whole... you know...telling our Lord and Savior to "talk to the hand" deal.
When (or "if") I get to the Pearly Gates I would hate for whoever is on gate-duty that day to turn me away because I chose pickleball over Heaven....
I'd hate to be in that pickle.
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